 - Last login: 3 hours agoFindtheriver
- d'Zhuoy is a 41 year old woman from Ex-Urbs, New York, USA.
- Likes 948 pages, 44 videos, 88 photos • 122 fans • Received 32 reviews
- Member since Aug 13, 2006
"All my thoughts, they come in pairs. / I will, I won't, I doubt, I don't, / I'm not surprised but I never feel quite prepared." --Bright Eyes ...---... "When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are your ones telling you they still love you and care." --Randy Pausch, "Last Lecture"
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I splurged today on $30 worth of Gerber daisies. They're cheerful and sweet -- the exact opposite of moi. I justified it by planning to give half of them to my sister when my other sister and I go down to see her this weekend. I also got a spinach & feta pie for us.
Today I was thinking that I need some stability. I've been trying to get back into the things I once enjoyed, but I feel completely ungrounded. Mom's death was like my world being topspun. I've been reading Hope Edelman's Motherless Daughters, and she mentions this phenomenon of one's world, or one's place in the world, undergoing a massive shift. "If I'm not my mother's daughter anymore, then who am I?" We think we individuated when we were teenagers, but there's an attachment that can't be severed except by death (although some say not even by that, and I think how fortunate those people are to have their mothers still "with" them even after they've died).
My world feels flat: There are no contours on my map, no landmarks, no, not even a horizon.
I tried this week to make another little film, a slow-motion film of our hummingbirds. I shot about six hours of footage and find myself now daunted by the thought of going through ... six hours of footage for what will amount to maybe ten minutes of film. But it is fascinating and I hope to set myself to the task, at the very least to occupy myself with something more productive than playing blackjack on FaceBook.
I also found a bunch of old poems of mine in a file I hadn't opened in years. I went through a convoluted procedure to save them to a format that can actually be read by 21st-century computers. But I haven't actually read them yet. I'm trying to build anticipation, I guess.... I've been tempted to even write some new ones. Discipline, will, confidence.
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